Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
