no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
