I just threw up on my dentist
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
