Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's official drugs can't kill me
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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