Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
