Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
