wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
