What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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