Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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