mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
