My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So vagazzling was a success
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
