My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize