I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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