I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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