dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
