This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
