Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Randomize
