I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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