I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
