Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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