so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
