The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
