Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
