I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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