3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I want her autograph on my taint
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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