we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
