It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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