The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
only you would photoshop your dick
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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