Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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