his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
