I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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