I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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