wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
