I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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