Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
