i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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