Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize