I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
