Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
