someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize