i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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