i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize