i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
