you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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