If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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