How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
