I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
