hotel room ftw
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
