My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
