Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So here I am, sexting at work.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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