We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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