How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
