Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
