The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
