My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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