I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
