You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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