Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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