Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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