Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
