we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
