Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
