We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize