Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
